On Having Two Careers

 Hi. I know, long time no post.

I've wanted to write a blog for a while, just that I have two main parts of my life in the public eye: being a writer and the job I got into as a therapist. Yes, I have two jobs, if you're new here. I'm just used to working 24/7 and feeling guilty if I'm not, and I graduated with my MA in summer of July 2021. Taking a day off from work is quite guilt-inducing for me, but I have to remind myself I can have rest. Well, I'm changing jobs right now, from an addiction treatment center to an eating disorder inpatient center.

my author head shot, possibly a
headshot for my therapist profile?
by Jerry Winnett Grindhouse Photography

Timeline of a really convoluted car accident:

So the run down on the car crash: I was hit on Church Street in Nashville driving in the west-bound lane at about 11:05pm on October 7th near Printer's Alley. I had no stop signs or stop lights, I was driving straight. A guy in a 69 Chevelle Malibu pulled out really fast and t-boned my car.

Emotional Damage

 I know we all watch TikTok and hear that sound clip of a guy saying, “Emotional DAMAGE!” And it’s hilarious. I laugh at that stuff too, but my psychologist side is coming out in this post. Yes, I am trained therapist working on licensure right now, I work in opiate addiction and I see so much of my own problems in it. Counter transference is a real thing, y’all.

Last night while I was working my second job (trust me, having only written 1 book and I’m not a licensed therapist yet, writing doesn’t pay the bills either), my car brakes started grinding. I couldn’t work Lyft for the night, I feared I wouldn’t have transportation and I’d be bumming rides all week until my garage could find time for me in my schedule and I couldn’t pay for the work and OH MY GOD HOW DOES ANYBODY SURVIVE IN THIS CAPITALIST HELLSCAPE OF MODERN AMERICA?!?! I have been on emotional overload for almost 14 hours, but my garage was able to fix it today. As a bonus, they had this awesome book in their free book basket in the lobby, which made my morning!

The relief is palpable. But I keep thinking about how I can identify now what emotional overload is like in my body and knowing it meant I needed rest and self care.  And I remember feeling this way and not knowing if it was ever going to go away and trying to work through it. That was such a horrible way to live. 

Don’t take this as a flex that I can identify emotional overload and figure out what I need to do to calm down. It’s not. This is literally YEARS of therapy and emotional work and learning boundaries, not just with others, but with myself. Nobody ever taught me to self-soothe and to care for myself. I absorbed stress from my caregivers as a child and took it on as my own, and felt responsible for it. I’m not. And it’s okay to do things that nourish yourself and fulfill you and to invest in your own mental and emotional health. I get annoyed with people who throw any kind of self care you’ve done for yourself in your face as selfish and irresponsible. Self care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary for survival.

In short, TL,DR: you can’t pour from an empty cup, so don’t try to power through your stress, it doesn’t help. 

The Handwriting Dilemma

 Okay, I'm gonna admit something I hate about myself and about myself as a writer: I have terrible handwriting.

Let's not Panic- I Already Have

I have been keeping something quiet for the last month and it’s been difficult. I don’t like posts to stir sympathy and living in my own trauma to get attention (I swear I’m not trying to get attention with this post), but it’s easier to post this on social media and control the narrative myself as opposed to it getting around in gossip: I have skin cancer.

Cult of Terrorism

I'm reflecting on yesterday's coup attempt and I watched it yesterday as it unfolded on NBC NOW and CNN. Donald Trump made statements encouraging the rally-goers yesterday to overtake Capitol Hill to stop the confirmation of Biden's win in the electoral college. People looted Capitol Hill and terrorized the staff and Congresspeople, scaled the walls, pointed their guns, threatened police and security guards, and raided personal offices.

I'm still having panic attacks from it. I was terrorized.

Remembering 2020

2020 was a tough year for everybody.

It was for me, too.

I'm so glad it's over, but I realized it was important to really sit in and realize what it meant.

The worst health pandemic happened, obviously. And I don't feel that we had good leadership through it. I broke my own rule that I wasn't going to talk about political things on my author Facebook, and I ended up talking about it because it was a matter of life or death.

People I know and loved died from COVID.

I lost an incredibly close friendship suddenly because she said some really horrible things that weren't true. It was hard and there was a lot of grief, as if there was an actual death.

With work and my internship, I couldn't be there for my mother like she needed as a widow, and we decided with my sister, as a family, it was best for her to move out of the country to live with my sister and her family for her mental health and to avoid isolation.

There was more coming to terms with my father's passing and the grief. 

I'm middle-aged. This means my life is half-over; and while parts of it feel wasted, I'm able to reflect on why it got wasted.

At the end of the year, there was a terrorist bombing in downtown Nashville which was shocking and upset our sense of comfort and safety and community here in the Nashville area.

But while this is a season of life, good things happened, too.

I found I was much more capable than I thought. I was faced with challenges with my internship and discovered how good I was at solving problems on my own.

I discovered even more capable I am as an adult. Adulting doesn't seem so bad now.

I'm making choices about where to go in life as an adult.

There was another good thing in writing: I found a good development editor/coach who helped me with finishing a draft of the first Magi Chronicles book.

While my life is half over, I realized I needed to take the time to enjoy my situation more- even alone and in quarantine, not wish for it to "hurry up and be over with" like I keep hearing out of people. I want to enjoy my life so much more and treasure the rest of it. So I created ways to enjoy the social distancing and improve myself. 

My mother is in a better place living with my sister-- and I'm going to go visit them once I'm done with grad school in July. I'm sad she left the country, but it's for the best for her health. With my father having passed, I'm realizing how fragile life is. And how important not wasting your life is.

A vaccine has been created and is being distributed among the American public for COVID.

I made better friends and recognized some dangerous personality traits I've been attracted to and need to stay away from.

I'm capable. So much so. 

We elected a better president and so far, the American Congress could shift to better leadership, pending Georgia's runoff election. I am so proud of the resistance that got Trump out of the White House as of January 20th, and I feel confident that a majority of Americans are intelligent to see poor leadership and what happens when they don't get involved in democracy-- and it DOES work.

As much as I've been shamed for spreading my politics, I am feeling much more stable in stating what I stand for with excellent reason why I do that make sense. I've a better support community when it comes to my political beliefs and we've seen it in action in this year's election. 

I'm learning how resourceful I can be, which I am thankful for. I think that's the theme I'm going to work on this year: being resourceful and self-reliant. But, my coffee maker broke on New Year's Eve. 2020 messed me with one last time! Thank goodness I had a French Press.