Facebook question for the day

An acquaintance on Facebook asked this question today: "Question for the masses... Do YOU let the opinions of others about you affect you?"

Man, oh man. Did I care what people thought of me growing up! I thought I was worthless if I wasn't popular and liked. I know a lot of people like that in this world, and I feel sad for them. But, I realized that the saying, "You will become the sum of the people you surround yourself with" is true. There's no need to punish yourself by hanging out people that don't like you and/or speak badly of you. That's like self-flagellation for no real reason. Of course, when you're in school, you don't really get much of a choice of who you are around, but when you graduate, I swear it gets better, something to look forward to. In the mean time, try to be fair, honest, generous, and kind, but don't forget self-care.

Here's the response I shared on that thread, and I hope it rings true for you.

A few things weigh into that for me.

I grew up believing how much others liked me was equal to how good of a person I was. The older I am and the more confident I've become with age (and therapy to distance myself emotionally from the people who taught me that dangerous lesson, lol), the less stock I put in what other people think of me... in accordance to how close we are and how much I respect them as human beings.

The people I've chosen to surround myself in the last year are fair, honest, and generous, and laugh off rumors, not putting any stock in them. They don't manipulate or control me and who I'm friends with, and I want to be like them. If I'm not like them, why would they want to include me? So yeah, what they think is important to me. I want to reflect their values because I admire them as people.

With people that don't like me? Especially the toxic ones that set out to hurt me? Oh well, I don't have to hang out with them. They're not the only game in town. The more confident I've grown, the more I realize that they are the ones missing out because I love my friends and do my best to care for them and help them (within reasonable boundaries and limits). I think I'm a good friend, but I do have to take care of myself, first. You can't drink if you never fill your own cup. If I never interact with the people who don't like me and have made it clear to me, they can't really hurt me. Out of sight, out of mind.

So, in short, don't stay around people who think poorly of you when they make it clear one way or another. What other people think about you is none of your business anyway. You can't change it, so why bother? Just work to reflect your own values and live your life.

Only one thing endures and that is character

To start out with, I'm trying to be more positive. When I wrote this post, it was very negative initially, and I don't want to be negative. I was highly frustrated when I first wrote it and I had to redraft it. I do get angry (and for good reason) but it's not something I want controlling my life. I try to keep in mind that anger is not synonymous with negativity. It has its purpose and it helps positively when you channel it correctly. So, I'm trying that here.
Alright, so if you know me at all, you know that I do act and audition around Nashville for different film and television projects. Most of the time, I'm an extra without lines. I should be so lucky to get that kind of role, but I'm happy with what I can get. On this particular night, I was an extra on a TV show filmed around Nashville that has a lot of music and musician-centered storylines. Ahem, you know which one I'm talking about although I'm not saying it.
I spent most of the night working on my cross stitch and meeting new people in the extras holding area, nibbling on goodies from the Craft Services table. It was fun. But as we were lining up to go into the set, a heavy-set woman behind me said. "they won't cast heavy girls, even if they can sing and act!"
I smiled politely and nodded. "Yeah," I agreed. "I feel ya on that!"
That was a huge mistake. The next thing I knew, she had pretty much cornered me and was talking about her experiences and how hard she had worked, and how much she was owed something in film and music, and blah blah blah. She didn't even ask my name or how I felt or my opinion, which I thought was bad conversation skills. I was just a sounding board. She told me that she had worked really hard at a show business company as an intern, only to get skipped on when it ended, but the thinner people got it. And then she went on to tell me about how she had been an extra on a show for the same production company where she watched the director pick out "apples" and then, when she thought about it, they were thin and young and pretty, and they were put up on the front.
I felt trapped. All she was doing was dwelling on things that happened years ago. We were all hired to play a part, and this woman was being incredibly unprofessional complaining on the job. We're hired to show up and play a role, and that's it.
Honestly, if you get angry and go on and on and on about how you were wronged years ago, let me say, let that shiz go. It scares me to think I could sit there and replay in my head these bad things daily so often that it consumes my every waking thought. I feel bad for people like that. Sure, I've been wronged for things I felt were unfair. Yeah, it bugged me for a while, but I let my other passions consume my mind instead and the hurt waned. And when I thought about it a year later, it didn't make me so angry anymore. I feel so much better about this.
If you're going to complain to every person that you talk to about how much you deserved a role in your high school play that you never got or how much you deserved the part for showing up, I don't really have a ton of sympathy for that mindset. More than anything, I just feel sorry for you for being so attached to that pain and that it still runs on a repeat in your head. Nobody cares if you have a degree in theatre (guilty) or if you did a couple of shows at the same location ten years ago (also guilty). Those things have never made a difference for me. All they care about is the present. And in show business, peoples' memories can be short because the next young, attractive young thing is eager to snap up your role and not complain. Show business is unapologetic about this. For every person who quits because they think they were wronged, another 100 people are lined up to take their place and do a better show with less expectations. And nobody really gets anywhere in the film industry by accident. I've also found there is nothing worse than unprofessional people, especially in acting.
I'm not looking for stardom or appreciation in acting. I have fun and I love to act and get dressed up. I don't think I'll ever be able to feed myself and put a roof over my head from acting, though. But that's okay. It's just a little something for me.
I have a magnet on my fridge that says "Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character." (Horace Greeley). I believe in that and I love this phrase. It just reminds me that bad behavior, ungratefulness, and a complete lack of humility can make fans turn on stars in a heartbeat. The fans' love and adoration is not going to make up for any love they were lacking as a child that turned into the pain that's followed said performer into their adulthoods. This is why you see so many former stars having problems with substances and depression when they lose their fame.
Fame is fleeting. It's nice and it has perks, but those perks are short-lived, unless you're really lucky. The phone stops ringing one day, and you need to have built relationships outside of acting or performing to fall back on and to build yourself up from. If you can, I'd recommend financially planning for that day. I personally can't.
I get annoyed when people say, "Nobody owes you anything", but I can't help but agree with it in acting. Nobody does owe you anything, especially not because you showed up, and especially not when it comes to the acting world. You're either there and grateful for the privilege, or you're gone and banished from people's minds.
With performing, remember: it's a privilege, not a right.

Things are changing....

I can attest to how important it is to being in a good headspace as I finish writing a chapter in my ghostwriting project.

I'm going through a season of change right now, and it was unexpected, although I have some time to prepare for it. While I am a private person and I don't think I'm going to talk about it specifically, it feels as though the rug is being pulled out from under me right now, but I'm trying to stay stable.

This is the reason I advocate so strongly for mental health care and the normalization of it. I hate the stigma of being in therapy, being mocked for it, as if I'm weak in character. But even the people that mock me for having depression, I wouldn't want them to suffer from it like I have. Depression is not because you suck as a person and don't matter, that you are throw-away. It's not that you're weak for having it. It's not that you deserve it because you aren't strong. You have it because you've been stronger than you should have been for too long. It happens to the best people on earth that don't deserve it at all. There's nothing so terrifying as knowing that you're on the edge of losing your life, but it's all up to you, which is what depression does to you. I try to look at depression as if I had cancer: I need treatment for it to survive. It's not my fault, it's not anybody in particular's fault (although if you listened to selective parts of my therapy sessions, you'd think I was blaming someone, but I'm not). Assigning "fault" and "blame" means you are waiting on another person to admit they did something wrong and that you can't go forward until they fix it. You can't live your life waiting on other people to get their crap together, though. You can learn to make up for these traumas in your past by loving yourself and then you can move forward.

What depression really is, is when you start to believe that 'the fight' is not worth it any longer. And you start to "spiral", as I call it. You sink further and further down into that dark abyss, and you feel like everyone's screaming at you without any compassion or help. You just want to curl up in a ball and let the world and all it's problems pass you by. But if you listen to your spirit, deep down, you'll hear the fight that's still left, although it might be really weak. And you've got to listen to it and make the effort to bring it back to life. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible.

Don't you ever give up.

Gossip and trash talk

WARNING: I drop the B-bomb in this blog a few times, so beware! Usually, my blog is family-friendly, but today, it's not!

I don't know about you guys, my OH MY GOD is so HARD to not trash-talk when you're hurt and frustrated!

I hate it when I find myself gossiping and trash-talking. I'm an adult, I'm not in high school any longer, so I've figured out that I don't have to do it. And there's a lot more respect for you when you don't. Maybe it comes with age. I don't like who I am when I recognize that I'm being that much of a bitch that I'm trash talking and fueling the fires of disagreements. I strive for peace, so this is why I get so mad at myself when I realize I'm doing it. Man, I hate doing it!

Some people deserve to be gossiped about, it's true. They've harmed you when you're vulnerable to them, and taken a perverse glee in causing you pain. And it's quite satisfying to unload on another person about how you've been wronged by someone else. It's quite satisfying to think that you're encouraging another person to take up arms against someone that hasn't wronged them personally, but they have you and it a test of your friendship. But really, is it making things easier for you? I promise you, it's not. And personally, I hate it when gangs of pretty girls band together (they're called #squads by the young people, I guess I'm old) and attack a single girl all by her lonesome. Sorry, TSwifty, this is why your #squad makes me nervous!

I've found that the best anecdote to gossip is to pretend the person talking about you doesn't exist and never harmed you, but keep them at a distance. Sure, it hurt when they laughed at you and made other people hate you, but that just means they're weak and wimpy. It doesn't make you any better to do it right back. But at the same time, that is SO not easy, right? I think we can all agree that the person gossiping about you is just a lowly, jealous, basic person. YOU my friend, are NOT. People who gossip all the time about banal things are insecure people looking to find the flaws in others. They want to make people around them more insecure and miserable than they already are. They think it'll elevate them. But doing those kinds of things doesn't bring you up. It just burrows you down into the muck and slime of jealousy. I've also found that when you give that mean person that hurt you your energy to the point that you're gossiping, you're allow them power over you, admitting you are insecure to them. I try to think of it as, "Why would you let someone so lowly and toxic reign over your life?" Easier said than done. Y'all, it's SO HARD sometimes, no kidding! I'm not going to pretend I don't struggle with it!

I wish I had had these kinds of skills in high school. The gossip in high school was TERRIBLE for me (at least I remember it being that way). It seems to be the same across the board for people from all over the place, not just my high school. For me, it felt like a defense mechanism when I found out (or heard) someone was talking smack about me (sometimes, it was just a third party trying to create drama for their own amusement, but I didn't catch on since I was really naive and bit gullible back then). Trust me, the third-party thing? It blows. It took me until just recently to figure out that some people just want to stir the pot, and this is why you (theoretically) shouldn't gossip in return. You could be trash-talking about an innocent person and hurting them.

Yo, it is so hard to escape it. I've done some community theatre, and sometimes, people get involved in it that want nothing more than to divide and conquer, and that means talking trash because they feel the need to manipulate people. Why manipulate people? It's insecurity on their part. I've had people say nasty things about me, and it sucks. Wow, does it suck! But I've realized that acknowledging it and trying to get back at them makes things tougher for me, and drags me in. Lucky for me, I've been called "aloof" a time or two in the theatre, but I kind of take that as a positive because...

a·loof :

əˈlo͞of/
adjectivenot friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.
"they were courteous but faintly aloof"

"part of their strategy is to remain aloof during the first stages of negotiation"

conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.
"he stayed aloof from the bickering"

For me? This is a great thing. It means I'm outside the drama and BS and select who I want to bring into my private life. Honestly, I hope y'all can get to that point, too. It's really nice when you find yourself above all that crap and can associate with people that don't thrive on it. Cool things happen when you're not around it and surround yourself with good people. Gossip is way too complicated to live with and a complete waste of your life and time!

There are better things to talk about, like ideas and things that you are passionate about, your dreams and your hopes. This is something I have to remind myself, since I'm perfectly imperfect (God knows I'm far from perfect) and proud of it.

I really think that they are three types of people in this world that can be identified by what they talk about:

1. Those who gossip about other people
2. Those who talk about ideas
3. Those who talk about making their ideas happen

So... I just want to be person #3. That's my goal in life, to be as far away from #1 as possible. I hope it's yours, too.

XO,
Eleni

Abandoned Tour Stop for Elisa Dane!

Hey, y'all!

Spent a weekend in Mexico, and I just got back Monday night after a very short (but fun) tropical vacation! I'm probably going to picspam my Instagram account later today, so keep tuned! I got in kind of late due to rain delays, but I swore I'd put up a review of Elisa Dane's latest stand-alone book. SOO good! You've got to read it for yourself, people! I also got to interview Elisa Dane, she was sweet enough to answer to my questions after my review! And if you can't afford to buy her book right now, you can enter the rafflecopter contest to win a copy, links at the bottom!

Tierra Owens is a girl down on her luck and just trying to make it through the high school until she can audition for NYCDA. She has a terrible relationship with a verbally and psychologically abusive mother who's been so unloving and hateful wit her that she believes she's trash and the reason why Mom's life was ruined. Luckily, she's got a best friend named Kaylee, whose family adores her. In a shocking moment, the first and only boy she ever loved years ago, Mattie Forrester, reappears in her life. Why did Mattie leave without trying to contact her? Tierra believed it's because she's trash and completely worthless. And then suddenly, her mother leaves, not caring what happens to Tierra. Tierra must find her self-worth as her survival skills are put to the test.

New Secret Project!

I did it! Got another secret ghostwriting project! Can't wait to start it. In the meantime, though, I have to focus on expanding HOME. Super news about that coming up soon, too!

That cold kicked my ass most of the snow weekend! I didn't even get to enjoy it! I spent most of it sleeping and coughing and feeling miserable. For some stupid reason, I even binge-watched the entire series of Celebrity Plastic Surgeons of Beverly Hills on Netflix.

Honestly, I thought it was contrived and kind of scripted. I also drank a lot of wine and tea, seeing as I didn't really have anywhere much to go or things to do. Tennessee basically shuts down during snows. We're just not equipped.

The moment I got back to work today, we were basically bombarded. I've really got to get on working on my writing outside of my day job.

Have a good week, y'all!

Why I don't think I'll be able to go vegan

To start off, I don't want people telling me what diet to do, what to eat, how to exercise, especially online because you don't know me and you aren't my doctor. You haven't seen my lab work, and you don't know my history. So any comments giving me unsolicited "advice" will get deleted because I'm not writing about that today, but it's okay to talk about what works for YOU or ask me questions.
What I am writing about?
I love vegan foods.
But at the same time, I don't see how I can balance my diet without meat and I want to control my sugar and fat intake. Getting a full intake of protein is pretty tough sometimes. I remember a few months ago, I was snacking on some red peppers during a training at work, and a guy asked me if I was vegan, and I told him no. He then said, "Well, it's the next step in loosing weight and getting healthy." Um, excuse me, Mister, who asked you?
When I became Orthodox Christian, we fast, roughly, if you add it all up, approximately six months out of the year. We fast on Wednesdays and Fridays, we fast for the Nativity (Advent), Lent, two weeks in August for the Dormition of the Theotokos, and two weeks in June for the Apostle's fast. I really thought I'd get thin by all the fasting (when we fast, we go vegan, basically), but I didn't. Of course, aiming to get "thin" sort of spoils the spiritual fruits of fasting, just letting you know I understand that.
There are things I COULD do, like protein shakes, but I've found a lot of them that are palatable have more than half my daily sugar intake (which I limit to 25 grams) in exchange for only 16 grams of precious protein. I want more than 75 gram of protein a day, I tend to lose weight when I eat my proteins. I need a lot more protein and less sugar and bad fats. It just doesn't balance. When I didn't care about sugar and nutrition and only limiting my calories, I ended up maintaining my weight, not losing. I realized I have to be more careful about my nutrition. I started off eating a lot of fruit and vegetables, no longer consuming processed food, but not looking at my sugar intake, and it didn't work. Then, I saw the documentary Fed Up, and it all started to come together in my head:

Not me, of course, but it might as well be

My problem in my diet is sugar.
And bad fats, too, but I realized I need to take control of my sugar intake.
I do well when I broil some chicken breasts in my crockpot overnight and just nibble on them between meals, that brings my protein gram count up. And when I make my own food, I can control the amount of sugar that goes into it and make sugar-free substitutions. I try to avoid processed foods as much as I can. My doctor agreed with me, one piece of fruit a day is good, if I also include five vegetables and adequate protein.
I'm sure there are going to be people out there that want to offer me unwanted "advice" and tell me that sugar doesn't matter, but it does matter to me: I have diabetes in my family, and I'm afraid I'll get it. Maybe that's paranoia, but I'm seeing things affecting me, and I don't want them to as I age.  And I'm learning to listen to my body and try to give it what it needs while making sure I feel satisfied.
Last weekend, I was chatting with a hair stylist and a make-up artist about healthy diets and attitudes. One of them was allergic to gluten, the other was vegan. That worked for the both of them. The vegan said she lost a LOT of weight when she ate all the fruits and vegetables she wanted. My doc and I agreed that I should limit my fruits and try to focus on proteins. What works for me (when I can stick to it) is going low-sugar and high protein. While being vegan sounds cool and good for the environment, I don't think it's what's best for my body. I know my body better than anyone. And I tried for years to torture it to get thinner, and guess what? That didn't work. There are cool people out there like Sharee Samuels, whom I admire, who lost over 100 pounds by working out hard and going vegan, but I don't know if my body could handle that. I NEED protein. And then there's dotdotTiffany, another weight-loss superstar I admire, that also lost over 100 pounds by working out and watching what she eats, which she details here. She started losing weight by eating pre-packaged frozen meals and exercising, but now she eats clean (unprocessed) and exercises, but she still eats her chocolate!
You can't hate your body to health.
That's my new mantra.
So, I'm going to try to love it to health.

What One Week Without Posting Politics to my Facebook Did for Me

Mid-December, I thought about very quietly taking a break from posting politics for a week come New Year's.
No, I'm not ashamed of my politics. I'm quite proud of them. They didn't come easy to me, and I can explain why I believe what I believe. I like talking about them to people who actually comprehend them (even if they don't agree) instead of shouting theirs back in my face without listening to a thing I'm saying. But being as they were inspired by some really private things, it's sometimes inappropriate to bring up these things, despite my lack of shame over them.
I realize that the reason I've gotten into posting politics on Facebook was just a few short years ago, I was miserable. I didn't like myself, and I wanted to control a lot of things because I thought I knew that if I controlled other people, they'd be happy and I'd be happy.
Wrong.
So wrong.
When I finally entered treatment at the end of my rope at the end of 2012, I started to learn that I can't control other people and expect them to be happy. I can't let another person control me and expect happiness out of that either, because another person creating your happiness will always do it incorrectly. I realized only I can make myself happy, and I can control it. Trying to control others pushes them away. And I realized that, when people have politics that shaped from cowardice and racism,  I could help them, but it's difficult, and honestly? They're not very good people, so why am I trying?
In short, I found my self-esteem. I went through an "I don't give a crap" phase on Facebook where I posted whatever I wanted and would tell people who criticized me, "I don't care" and I'd slap them on my restricted list. I used to be scared to use the restricted list, and then I realized, they don't deserve my thoughts on social media. And truly, I still don't care if they want to tell me to not post what I'm posting. They don't control my sense of self. And their trying to control me is them being who I used to be. They're miserable. Control freaks. Why would I want to let them that deep into my life?
And yes, I've lost friendships on Facebook because they hate my politics so violently. I've even been blocked a few times for supporting gay rights, supporting freedom of religion for Muslims in America, supporting being honest, and campaigning against racism (and I don't miss their racket, trust me).

A lot of the time, I'm relieved, too.

But, I realized I don't need to post my politics to believe in them and for them to be strong. I'm a registered voter, and that's all I need. I don't owe anyone an explanation if I find their politics repulsive and I make the choice to unfriend them, and the response from their friends who want to start drama.
Since I've been in recovery from depression (which I could fall off the wagon from at any moment if I'm not careful, knock on wood), I've realized if people I care about don't notice me or care about me, they're not very nice or good people worth my feelings. Why should I pursue their friendships? What a waste of time! Nowadays, I like myself, I like my friends, my friends check in on me (it's no longer a one-sided relationship), and that's all I need.
Wow, what a relief.
Has it been difficult to not post politics that are close to my heart, like supporting the Syrian Refugees plight to safety? Initially, and it will probably be difficult later. And the glee of seeing certain political candidates for President bow out of the race (OMG, OMG, OMG!). But I have people I can talk about that with over Direct Message (and share my Schadenfreude glee). It was really difficult when Obama finally agreed to executive action of guns, too. I can still like political memes and links, I can comment on them, too. But I don't need to argue with people or cause a fight by posting them to my wall.
I wanted a cause to stand for... because I was lonely... and trying to fill my time with something I was passionate about.
These days, I like myself, which changes my perspective on expressing myself and how I do it. I don't need other people to confirm that for me. These days, I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm a good person worth hanging out with and my opinions are important. I want to be the friend that does that for other people. Somewhere along the line in my treatment, I started telling myself those things to myself. And guess what? I don't care if someone doesn't like me anymore. Good riddance. If you don't like me, you probably have something wrong with you anyway, LOL! And I don't need to post politics on my Facebook for people to notice me and want to talk to me, either. If you don't find me a good enough person or interesting enough to pursue my attention, why would I waste my time with you? I make a damn good friend.

And you know what? I think I'll keep up not posting politics on my page for a while. I kind of like what's happened.