You can't really have it all... and that's okay!

I recently have been reading Philippa Gregory's The White Queen in my spare time and I caught the first episode on Starz from the BBC. Even though I know it's not that historically accurate, I'm enjoying it a lot. It's about Elizabeth Woodville, the widow who married King Edward IV of the Lancastrian line in secret during England's War of the Roses. Ms. Gregory has done an amazing job with the love story, the chemistry, the family, and the world-building. One reason I mention the world-building is at one point in the beginning, the Widow Elizabeth Grey (she was called that after her first marriage to a Knight named John Grey of Groby who died in battle against Edward IV's claim for the throne against Henry of York) was living with her mother, a French Aristocrat named Jacquetta of Luxembourg. Jacquetta had married a York supporter in England, but she did something that seemed like witchcraft for her daughter after meeting the York King of England in passing, Elizabeth asking for her lands back for her son's sake. Jacquetta had three little metal objects tied to threads around a tree by the river, the contents in the water, and brought her daughter Elizabeth over, telling her to pick a line. Elizabeth chose one, and her mother cut the others. Elizabeth asked her mother "what was on the ends of those threads?" her mother tells her: "choices you will never make, children you will never have." etc.

Jacquetta and Elizabeth in the BBC's The White Queen

The historical story of Elizabeth Woodville is that she married King Edward IV in secret and it was a scandal when Edward announced his marriage to her to his royal court. So, I've been drawn in, even if there's no historical proof of Jacquetta's magical game of MASH for her daughter. You'll have to read the book or watch the show to find out what was on the end of that thread that Elizabeth pulled out of the river.

And then, yesterday, a friend from high school messaged me on Facebook, saying, "You're always going to such interesting things!" He went on to say how boring his life was, making it sound like he was a little jealous of my life (not that I'm bragging here). Me? Interesting?

the Japanese Garden at the Hillwood House Museum in Washington, DC

I was surprised. For years, I always thought everyone else had a better, more fun social life than me and that was because I was not a likeable, loveable person that people wanted to be around. If I were a better person, people would take me on adventures and to night clubs and concerts and events, I berated myself. These days, I am not making much money, I'm struggling to pay my mortgage and bills (ha, what's new!), and I don't just work 40 hours a week to support myself, it's usually like 60-70. It wasn't until I stopped focusing so much on what other people wanted for me and expected of me, and started doing things I loved, it opened doors for me to do these "interesting" things on Facebook, like going to shows and cabarets and taking dance classes in my thirties. Most of my friends in their thirties have kids and they have to parent them first. And Jacquetta's words (from the show) rang in my ears and struck a chord with me. And I realized that the grass is always greener on the other side.

from the gardens at Hillwood House in Washington, DC

Yeah, I may not have a husband and a family, but that affords me to buy stupid things and go to things like Captain America: Civil War (which I did last night with my goddaughters at the IMAX theatre, and it was amazing!). I don't have to answer to anybody but myself and I get to put myself first. Sure, I may not make very much and I'm struggling to pay the bills, but I do get to live a very selfish life, and at times, I feel fulfilled. And I know that my friends who have children are being fulfilled by raising them, even if they can't go out to a burlesque show on a whim or drop into a dance class after work. And I realized, I don't have it all, but are we really supposed to?

Team Cap! Oh boy, it was an emotional and political roller coaster of a movie!

It got me thinking: society pushes us to settle down and get married/have kids by a certain age, to buy a house, to have a full-time career that's stable, be thin and in control of our bodies, healthy, and have a huge savings account/nest egg and 401K. But I struggle with those things. I've been told I'm getting too old to have children, although I just turned 36. It's been a fear of mine that I'm not going to meet my husband until it's too late to have children, but then I realized, it's God's timing, not mine. My reproductive health and my choice of when to have children is between me, my child's father, and my doctor, I don't have to get permission from anybody else who has no bearing on my life. And some of my cousins have had healthy children in their 40s. But, we get so ashamed and hide these aspects of our lives if we haven't achieved them. Yet, so few people do in this generation. Why are we so ashamed of not having the things that God hasn't brought into our lives yet? Maybe there are lessons to be learned that God's trying to teach us, and it will take a lot of humility to get it. And how much hubris is it to claim that we know better than God? No, we're not supposed to "have it all." It's rare if you do, and if you do have everything you ever wanted, I'm excited for you and cheering you on. But if God is holding back on bringing your spouse into your life and giving you a family, maybe there's a lesson He's trying to teach you. And I started thinking about "destination happiness": when we think, "I'll be happy the day I lose 10, 15, 50, 100 pounds" or "I'll be happy when I've got the perfect job" or "I'll be happy when I've met the man of my dreams." Let me explain something incredibly important to you: we aren't promised tomorrow. I know it's not easy, but do your best to find happiness TODAY. I'm not claiming happiness is easy, but it's completely worth the fight. You don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, and it very well could be something worse. I'd rather die fighting to be happy over living to please other people while being absolutely miserable. So fight to find happiness right now and don't wait on it, and don't get angry with yourself because you haven't achieved a lot of things that maybe you weren't ready for or didn't care too much about in the first place.

I know this is corny, but: if you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans.

Book Release and Giveaway: Fear My Mortality by Everly Frost

 

Happy Release Day to

Fear My Mortality by Everly Frost

Join us in celebrating this new release from Month9Books!

Enter the giveaway found at the end of the post.

Happy Book Birthday, Everly!

Book Release and Giveaway: The Requiem Red by Brynn Chapman!

 

Happy Release Day to

The Requiem Red by Brynn Chapman!

Join us in celebrating this new release from Month9Books!

Enter the giveaway found at the end of the post.

Happy Book Birthday, Brynn!

I just got a copy of this book and I'm so excited to read it! It looks so spooky and creepy by the cover, and the blurb makes it seem even more terrifying!

Things are changing....

I can attest to how important it is to being in a good headspace as I finish writing a chapter in my ghostwriting project.

I'm going through a season of change right now, and it was unexpected, although I have some time to prepare for it. While I am a private person and I don't think I'm going to talk about it specifically, it feels as though the rug is being pulled out from under me right now, but I'm trying to stay stable.

This is the reason I advocate so strongly for mental health care and the normalization of it. I hate the stigma of being in therapy, being mocked for it, as if I'm weak in character. But even the people that mock me for having depression, I wouldn't want them to suffer from it like I have. Depression is not because you suck as a person and don't matter, that you are throw-away. It's not that you're weak for having it. It's not that you deserve it because you aren't strong. You have it because you've been stronger than you should have been for too long. It happens to the best people on earth that don't deserve it at all. There's nothing so terrifying as knowing that you're on the edge of losing your life, but it's all up to you, which is what depression does to you. I try to look at depression as if I had cancer: I need treatment for it to survive. It's not my fault, it's not anybody in particular's fault (although if you listened to selective parts of my therapy sessions, you'd think I was blaming someone, but I'm not). Assigning "fault" and "blame" means you are waiting on another person to admit they did something wrong and that you can't go forward until they fix it. You can't live your life waiting on other people to get their crap together, though. You can learn to make up for these traumas in your past by loving yourself and then you can move forward.

What depression really is, is when you start to believe that 'the fight' is not worth it any longer. And you start to "spiral", as I call it. You sink further and further down into that dark abyss, and you feel like everyone's screaming at you without any compassion or help. You just want to curl up in a ball and let the world and all it's problems pass you by. But if you listen to your spirit, deep down, you'll hear the fight that's still left, although it might be really weak. And you've got to listen to it and make the effort to bring it back to life. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible.

Don't you ever give up.

Gossip and trash talk

WARNING: I drop the B-bomb in this blog a few times, so beware! Usually, my blog is family-friendly, but today, it's not!

I don't know about you guys, my OH MY GOD is so HARD to not trash-talk when you're hurt and frustrated!

I hate it when I find myself gossiping and trash-talking. I'm an adult, I'm not in high school any longer, so I've figured out that I don't have to do it. And there's a lot more respect for you when you don't. Maybe it comes with age. I don't like who I am when I recognize that I'm being that much of a bitch that I'm trash talking and fueling the fires of disagreements. I strive for peace, so this is why I get so mad at myself when I realize I'm doing it. Man, I hate doing it!

Some people deserve to be gossiped about, it's true. They've harmed you when you're vulnerable to them, and taken a perverse glee in causing you pain. And it's quite satisfying to unload on another person about how you've been wronged by someone else. It's quite satisfying to think that you're encouraging another person to take up arms against someone that hasn't wronged them personally, but they have you and it a test of your friendship. But really, is it making things easier for you? I promise you, it's not. And personally, I hate it when gangs of pretty girls band together (they're called #squads by the young people, I guess I'm old) and attack a single girl all by her lonesome. Sorry, TSwifty, this is why your #squad makes me nervous!

I've found that the best anecdote to gossip is to pretend the person talking about you doesn't exist and never harmed you, but keep them at a distance. Sure, it hurt when they laughed at you and made other people hate you, but that just means they're weak and wimpy. It doesn't make you any better to do it right back. But at the same time, that is SO not easy, right? I think we can all agree that the person gossiping about you is just a lowly, jealous, basic person. YOU my friend, are NOT. People who gossip all the time about banal things are insecure people looking to find the flaws in others. They want to make people around them more insecure and miserable than they already are. They think it'll elevate them. But doing those kinds of things doesn't bring you up. It just burrows you down into the muck and slime of jealousy. I've also found that when you give that mean person that hurt you your energy to the point that you're gossiping, you're allow them power over you, admitting you are insecure to them. I try to think of it as, "Why would you let someone so lowly and toxic reign over your life?" Easier said than done. Y'all, it's SO HARD sometimes, no kidding! I'm not going to pretend I don't struggle with it!

I wish I had had these kinds of skills in high school. The gossip in high school was TERRIBLE for me (at least I remember it being that way). It seems to be the same across the board for people from all over the place, not just my high school. For me, it felt like a defense mechanism when I found out (or heard) someone was talking smack about me (sometimes, it was just a third party trying to create drama for their own amusement, but I didn't catch on since I was really naive and bit gullible back then). Trust me, the third-party thing? It blows. It took me until just recently to figure out that some people just want to stir the pot, and this is why you (theoretically) shouldn't gossip in return. You could be trash-talking about an innocent person and hurting them.

Yo, it is so hard to escape it. I've done some community theatre, and sometimes, people get involved in it that want nothing more than to divide and conquer, and that means talking trash because they feel the need to manipulate people. Why manipulate people? It's insecurity on their part. I've had people say nasty things about me, and it sucks. Wow, does it suck! But I've realized that acknowledging it and trying to get back at them makes things tougher for me, and drags me in. Lucky for me, I've been called "aloof" a time or two in the theatre, but I kind of take that as a positive because...

a·loof :

əˈlo͞of/
adjectivenot friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.
"they were courteous but faintly aloof"

"part of their strategy is to remain aloof during the first stages of negotiation"

conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.
"he stayed aloof from the bickering"

For me? This is a great thing. It means I'm outside the drama and BS and select who I want to bring into my private life. Honestly, I hope y'all can get to that point, too. It's really nice when you find yourself above all that crap and can associate with people that don't thrive on it. Cool things happen when you're not around it and surround yourself with good people. Gossip is way too complicated to live with and a complete waste of your life and time!

There are better things to talk about, like ideas and things that you are passionate about, your dreams and your hopes. This is something I have to remind myself, since I'm perfectly imperfect (God knows I'm far from perfect) and proud of it.

I really think that they are three types of people in this world that can be identified by what they talk about:

1. Those who gossip about other people
2. Those who talk about ideas
3. Those who talk about making their ideas happen

So... I just want to be person #3. That's my goal in life, to be as far away from #1 as possible. I hope it's yours, too.

XO,
Eleni

Why I don't think I'll be able to go vegan

To start off, I don't want people telling me what diet to do, what to eat, how to exercise, especially online because you don't know me and you aren't my doctor. You haven't seen my lab work, and you don't know my history. So any comments giving me unsolicited "advice" will get deleted because I'm not writing about that today, but it's okay to talk about what works for YOU or ask me questions.
What I am writing about?
I love vegan foods.
But at the same time, I don't see how I can balance my diet without meat and I want to control my sugar and fat intake. Getting a full intake of protein is pretty tough sometimes. I remember a few months ago, I was snacking on some red peppers during a training at work, and a guy asked me if I was vegan, and I told him no. He then said, "Well, it's the next step in loosing weight and getting healthy." Um, excuse me, Mister, who asked you?
When I became Orthodox Christian, we fast, roughly, if you add it all up, approximately six months out of the year. We fast on Wednesdays and Fridays, we fast for the Nativity (Advent), Lent, two weeks in August for the Dormition of the Theotokos, and two weeks in June for the Apostle's fast. I really thought I'd get thin by all the fasting (when we fast, we go vegan, basically), but I didn't. Of course, aiming to get "thin" sort of spoils the spiritual fruits of fasting, just letting you know I understand that.
There are things I COULD do, like protein shakes, but I've found a lot of them that are palatable have more than half my daily sugar intake (which I limit to 25 grams) in exchange for only 16 grams of precious protein. I want more than 75 gram of protein a day, I tend to lose weight when I eat my proteins. I need a lot more protein and less sugar and bad fats. It just doesn't balance. When I didn't care about sugar and nutrition and only limiting my calories, I ended up maintaining my weight, not losing. I realized I have to be more careful about my nutrition. I started off eating a lot of fruit and vegetables, no longer consuming processed food, but not looking at my sugar intake, and it didn't work. Then, I saw the documentary Fed Up, and it all started to come together in my head:

Not me, of course, but it might as well be

My problem in my diet is sugar.
And bad fats, too, but I realized I need to take control of my sugar intake.
I do well when I broil some chicken breasts in my crockpot overnight and just nibble on them between meals, that brings my protein gram count up. And when I make my own food, I can control the amount of sugar that goes into it and make sugar-free substitutions. I try to avoid processed foods as much as I can. My doctor agreed with me, one piece of fruit a day is good, if I also include five vegetables and adequate protein.
I'm sure there are going to be people out there that want to offer me unwanted "advice" and tell me that sugar doesn't matter, but it does matter to me: I have diabetes in my family, and I'm afraid I'll get it. Maybe that's paranoia, but I'm seeing things affecting me, and I don't want them to as I age.  And I'm learning to listen to my body and try to give it what it needs while making sure I feel satisfied.
Last weekend, I was chatting with a hair stylist and a make-up artist about healthy diets and attitudes. One of them was allergic to gluten, the other was vegan. That worked for the both of them. The vegan said she lost a LOT of weight when she ate all the fruits and vegetables she wanted. My doc and I agreed that I should limit my fruits and try to focus on proteins. What works for me (when I can stick to it) is going low-sugar and high protein. While being vegan sounds cool and good for the environment, I don't think it's what's best for my body. I know my body better than anyone. And I tried for years to torture it to get thinner, and guess what? That didn't work. There are cool people out there like Sharee Samuels, whom I admire, who lost over 100 pounds by working out hard and going vegan, but I don't know if my body could handle that. I NEED protein. And then there's dotdotTiffany, another weight-loss superstar I admire, that also lost over 100 pounds by working out and watching what she eats, which she details here. She started losing weight by eating pre-packaged frozen meals and exercising, but now she eats clean (unprocessed) and exercises, but she still eats her chocolate!
You can't hate your body to health.
That's my new mantra.
So, I'm going to try to love it to health.

What One Week Without Posting Politics to my Facebook Did for Me

Mid-December, I thought about very quietly taking a break from posting politics for a week come New Year's.
No, I'm not ashamed of my politics. I'm quite proud of them. They didn't come easy to me, and I can explain why I believe what I believe. I like talking about them to people who actually comprehend them (even if they don't agree) instead of shouting theirs back in my face without listening to a thing I'm saying. But being as they were inspired by some really private things, it's sometimes inappropriate to bring up these things, despite my lack of shame over them.
I realize that the reason I've gotten into posting politics on Facebook was just a few short years ago, I was miserable. I didn't like myself, and I wanted to control a lot of things because I thought I knew that if I controlled other people, they'd be happy and I'd be happy.
Wrong.
So wrong.
When I finally entered treatment at the end of my rope at the end of 2012, I started to learn that I can't control other people and expect them to be happy. I can't let another person control me and expect happiness out of that either, because another person creating your happiness will always do it incorrectly. I realized only I can make myself happy, and I can control it. Trying to control others pushes them away. And I realized that, when people have politics that shaped from cowardice and racism,  I could help them, but it's difficult, and honestly? They're not very good people, so why am I trying?
In short, I found my self-esteem. I went through an "I don't give a crap" phase on Facebook where I posted whatever I wanted and would tell people who criticized me, "I don't care" and I'd slap them on my restricted list. I used to be scared to use the restricted list, and then I realized, they don't deserve my thoughts on social media. And truly, I still don't care if they want to tell me to not post what I'm posting. They don't control my sense of self. And their trying to control me is them being who I used to be. They're miserable. Control freaks. Why would I want to let them that deep into my life?
And yes, I've lost friendships on Facebook because they hate my politics so violently. I've even been blocked a few times for supporting gay rights, supporting freedom of religion for Muslims in America, supporting being honest, and campaigning against racism (and I don't miss their racket, trust me).

A lot of the time, I'm relieved, too.

But, I realized I don't need to post my politics to believe in them and for them to be strong. I'm a registered voter, and that's all I need. I don't owe anyone an explanation if I find their politics repulsive and I make the choice to unfriend them, and the response from their friends who want to start drama.
Since I've been in recovery from depression (which I could fall off the wagon from at any moment if I'm not careful, knock on wood), I've realized if people I care about don't notice me or care about me, they're not very nice or good people worth my feelings. Why should I pursue their friendships? What a waste of time! Nowadays, I like myself, I like my friends, my friends check in on me (it's no longer a one-sided relationship), and that's all I need.
Wow, what a relief.
Has it been difficult to not post politics that are close to my heart, like supporting the Syrian Refugees plight to safety? Initially, and it will probably be difficult later. And the glee of seeing certain political candidates for President bow out of the race (OMG, OMG, OMG!). But I have people I can talk about that with over Direct Message (and share my Schadenfreude glee). It was really difficult when Obama finally agreed to executive action of guns, too. I can still like political memes and links, I can comment on them, too. But I don't need to argue with people or cause a fight by posting them to my wall.
I wanted a cause to stand for... because I was lonely... and trying to fill my time with something I was passionate about.
These days, I like myself, which changes my perspective on expressing myself and how I do it. I don't need other people to confirm that for me. These days, I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm a good person worth hanging out with and my opinions are important. I want to be the friend that does that for other people. Somewhere along the line in my treatment, I started telling myself those things to myself. And guess what? I don't care if someone doesn't like me anymore. Good riddance. If you don't like me, you probably have something wrong with you anyway, LOL! And I don't need to post politics on my Facebook for people to notice me and want to talk to me, either. If you don't find me a good enough person or interesting enough to pursue my attention, why would I waste my time with you? I make a damn good friend.

And you know what? I think I'll keep up not posting politics on my page for a while. I kind of like what's happened.

Long time struggles

I guess a lot of people who know me personally know this:

I am the survivor of years of depression and anxiety.

#gpoy

There's a lot about it I'm not talking about publicly, yet. A lot of the different facets of my depression are strange and weird and unique to me, but maybe one day I will tell you about them. But for now, I'm limited in what I can publicly say on my blog because I'm not ready to confront certain people who've played a role in my illness.

Yes, I live with it. I manage it, I live a somewhat normal life. Some weeks and months are happy and I feel just fine, others, I'm sluggish and wish people loved me and that I could be thinner. Depression likes to tell me that I'm not wanted or acceptable, that everybody's grossed out by how fat I am, or that I'm failing in so many ways. It makes my back sore, my muscles weak, and I can't get enough sleep. It makes me fixate on things I don't like about myself and I start convincing myself that okay, this is the REAL reason people don't invite you out or include you. Then, it morphs into: If you were just a little more perfect, people might actually treat you like they care about you. That mean voice calls me a lot of nasty names and berates me pretty badly, I must admit. It's quite normal with depression. I doubt anybody could say anything as cruel to me as what this voice says to me.

I know the source of this awful, mean voice. It's mimicking a person voice who's had a profound influence on my life. It's not my own. Understand that this person wasn't trying to hurt me, but trying to protect me and prepare me for the world out of love. This doesn't make their criticisms of me right by any means, but this individual is NOT a bad person, promise. Maybe a bit misguided and they've been taught to worry about what other people think more than they think of themselves. But they are not a bad person deep down, although I don't know if they believe that of themselves, privately. This person taught me that what other people think of you is more important than what you think of yourself. Now that's a recipe for disaster, let me tell you.

I wish I didn't do this to myself. I wish I didn't let these things overcome me, they sneak up. It's like being smacked over the head. I don't like it, I don't know how anybody could.

But, the good news is, I'm still here. I haven't fallen down the rabbit hole again, so to speak. I did once, really, really badly, and I'm just coming to terms with talking about it. It was like being dragged into a black hole of guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, and self-blaming. I hate it. I wish I could explain it more in detail, and I could if I wanted to... but I won't subject you to that right now. Another post for another time... like when I'm braver about being vulnerable.