Rough Choices Being for the Best I Can Be

While writing Home, it felt like I was just writing something a muse was whispering my ear. It didn't feel 100% like my own story, but it is.
When I finally found a press that would publish me, I was elated. At the time, I had no professionally published credits to my name. I had no real experience. I was still learning, as one ought to do in writing.
Recently, I sent a new draft in with a little expansion of the story, and I waited, and a week and half later, he responded to me with an email telling me I was good writer and storyteller, but he wanted to know if I just wanted to get this story out with a lovely surface-edit or did I want to make it a great story with a difficult, harsh edit?
As someone who's been writing most of my life (since age nine) and suffers from debilitating perfectionism, I want nothing more to be a great writer. I know that my book is going to down in the Library of Congress forever and it would forever be a mark of what kind of person I was and what I believed in.

So, I chose the tougher route. It meant it would take longer to edit, and it would take longer to polish. Yeah, it stinks that I have to wait for my first novel to come out. But, I've been writing for twenty-seven years, a few more months aren't going to kill me. I know better than to write for the money, which would have pushed me into the soft edit. Will there be mistakes in the manuscript? Maybe. Will there be things I regret later about the book? Maybe. But I don't want to go ahead and rush-publish without getting the most of those taken care of as possible.
Personally, I hate it when I read books that start out a series so wonderfully, and then they go to seed later on.  Most of the time, this is because authors start on Level 2 or Level 3 editing, which is you either do the edits you signed the contract for, or you don't get published and you have to give back any advance money. But after a few hit books, some authors get put on Level 1 editing, which is basically, "Hey, you're a cash cow, we just want you to get the book out under OUR publishing house because we know your name will make money. You don't have to listen to the editors, but we'll give you an edit anyway." It basically when publishers get nervous that their hit writers will run to another press that offers more money (oh, I wish I got that!).
I don't know if my writing career is going to take off. I don't know if I'll be a hit writer. I learned the hard way: don't write for the money. This industry is absolutely difficult to succeed in, just as difficult as the acting or the music industry (both of which, I've had a taste of). You're lucky if you make super-loyal fans (and I hope one day I can say that). I personally fear that I'd be selling out (if by luck, I had some success and got on Level 1 editing) if I said, "Hey, no big deal, I have the option to not to accept this edit, or that one, or THAT one!" and put out something less than my best.
I fear that ego. I don't ever want that ego. Please slap me if I ever brag about taking the easy way out instead of the hard way.
So, Home might be out in the fall or winter of 2016. Maybe in early 2017. But I damn sure am going to try to present my best for all of you.

Cover Reveal: Fighter Girl by Kathryn James with Giveaway

 

Welcome to the cover reveal for

Fighter Girl by Kathryn James

presented by Swoon Romance!

Be on the look out for this upcoming New Adult title!

Be sure to enter the giveaway found at the end of the post!

Things are changing....

I can attest to how important it is to being in a good headspace as I finish writing a chapter in my ghostwriting project.

I'm going through a season of change right now, and it was unexpected, although I have some time to prepare for it. While I am a private person and I don't think I'm going to talk about it specifically, it feels as though the rug is being pulled out from under me right now, but I'm trying to stay stable.

This is the reason I advocate so strongly for mental health care and the normalization of it. I hate the stigma of being in therapy, being mocked for it, as if I'm weak in character. But even the people that mock me for having depression, I wouldn't want them to suffer from it like I have. Depression is not because you suck as a person and don't matter, that you are throw-away. It's not that you're weak for having it. It's not that you deserve it because you aren't strong. You have it because you've been stronger than you should have been for too long. It happens to the best people on earth that don't deserve it at all. There's nothing so terrifying as knowing that you're on the edge of losing your life, but it's all up to you, which is what depression does to you. I try to look at depression as if I had cancer: I need treatment for it to survive. It's not my fault, it's not anybody in particular's fault (although if you listened to selective parts of my therapy sessions, you'd think I was blaming someone, but I'm not). Assigning "fault" and "blame" means you are waiting on another person to admit they did something wrong and that you can't go forward until they fix it. You can't live your life waiting on other people to get their crap together, though. You can learn to make up for these traumas in your past by loving yourself and then you can move forward.

What depression really is, is when you start to believe that 'the fight' is not worth it any longer. And you start to "spiral", as I call it. You sink further and further down into that dark abyss, and you feel like everyone's screaming at you without any compassion or help. You just want to curl up in a ball and let the world and all it's problems pass you by. But if you listen to your spirit, deep down, you'll hear the fight that's still left, although it might be really weak. And you've got to listen to it and make the effort to bring it back to life. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible.

Don't you ever give up.

Abandoned Tour Stop for Elisa Dane!

Hey, y'all!

Spent a weekend in Mexico, and I just got back Monday night after a very short (but fun) tropical vacation! I'm probably going to picspam my Instagram account later today, so keep tuned! I got in kind of late due to rain delays, but I swore I'd put up a review of Elisa Dane's latest stand-alone book. SOO good! You've got to read it for yourself, people! I also got to interview Elisa Dane, she was sweet enough to answer to my questions after my review! And if you can't afford to buy her book right now, you can enter the rafflecopter contest to win a copy, links at the bottom!

Tierra Owens is a girl down on her luck and just trying to make it through the high school until she can audition for NYCDA. She has a terrible relationship with a verbally and psychologically abusive mother who's been so unloving and hateful wit her that she believes she's trash and the reason why Mom's life was ruined. Luckily, she's got a best friend named Kaylee, whose family adores her. In a shocking moment, the first and only boy she ever loved years ago, Mattie Forrester, reappears in her life. Why did Mattie leave without trying to contact her? Tierra believed it's because she's trash and completely worthless. And then suddenly, her mother leaves, not caring what happens to Tierra. Tierra must find her self-worth as her survival skills are put to the test.

Why I don't think I'll be able to go vegan

To start off, I don't want people telling me what diet to do, what to eat, how to exercise, especially online because you don't know me and you aren't my doctor. You haven't seen my lab work, and you don't know my history. So any comments giving me unsolicited "advice" will get deleted because I'm not writing about that today, but it's okay to talk about what works for YOU or ask me questions.
What I am writing about?
I love vegan foods.
But at the same time, I don't see how I can balance my diet without meat and I want to control my sugar and fat intake. Getting a full intake of protein is pretty tough sometimes. I remember a few months ago, I was snacking on some red peppers during a training at work, and a guy asked me if I was vegan, and I told him no. He then said, "Well, it's the next step in loosing weight and getting healthy." Um, excuse me, Mister, who asked you?
When I became Orthodox Christian, we fast, roughly, if you add it all up, approximately six months out of the year. We fast on Wednesdays and Fridays, we fast for the Nativity (Advent), Lent, two weeks in August for the Dormition of the Theotokos, and two weeks in June for the Apostle's fast. I really thought I'd get thin by all the fasting (when we fast, we go vegan, basically), but I didn't. Of course, aiming to get "thin" sort of spoils the spiritual fruits of fasting, just letting you know I understand that.
There are things I COULD do, like protein shakes, but I've found a lot of them that are palatable have more than half my daily sugar intake (which I limit to 25 grams) in exchange for only 16 grams of precious protein. I want more than 75 gram of protein a day, I tend to lose weight when I eat my proteins. I need a lot more protein and less sugar and bad fats. It just doesn't balance. When I didn't care about sugar and nutrition and only limiting my calories, I ended up maintaining my weight, not losing. I realized I have to be more careful about my nutrition. I started off eating a lot of fruit and vegetables, no longer consuming processed food, but not looking at my sugar intake, and it didn't work. Then, I saw the documentary Fed Up, and it all started to come together in my head:

Not me, of course, but it might as well be

My problem in my diet is sugar.
And bad fats, too, but I realized I need to take control of my sugar intake.
I do well when I broil some chicken breasts in my crockpot overnight and just nibble on them between meals, that brings my protein gram count up. And when I make my own food, I can control the amount of sugar that goes into it and make sugar-free substitutions. I try to avoid processed foods as much as I can. My doctor agreed with me, one piece of fruit a day is good, if I also include five vegetables and adequate protein.
I'm sure there are going to be people out there that want to offer me unwanted "advice" and tell me that sugar doesn't matter, but it does matter to me: I have diabetes in my family, and I'm afraid I'll get it. Maybe that's paranoia, but I'm seeing things affecting me, and I don't want them to as I age.  And I'm learning to listen to my body and try to give it what it needs while making sure I feel satisfied.
Last weekend, I was chatting with a hair stylist and a make-up artist about healthy diets and attitudes. One of them was allergic to gluten, the other was vegan. That worked for the both of them. The vegan said she lost a LOT of weight when she ate all the fruits and vegetables she wanted. My doc and I agreed that I should limit my fruits and try to focus on proteins. What works for me (when I can stick to it) is going low-sugar and high protein. While being vegan sounds cool and good for the environment, I don't think it's what's best for my body. I know my body better than anyone. And I tried for years to torture it to get thinner, and guess what? That didn't work. There are cool people out there like Sharee Samuels, whom I admire, who lost over 100 pounds by working out hard and going vegan, but I don't know if my body could handle that. I NEED protein. And then there's dotdotTiffany, another weight-loss superstar I admire, that also lost over 100 pounds by working out and watching what she eats, which she details here. She started losing weight by eating pre-packaged frozen meals and exercising, but now she eats clean (unprocessed) and exercises, but she still eats her chocolate!
You can't hate your body to health.
That's my new mantra.
So, I'm going to try to love it to health.